Claude Thornbush (CEO)

Claude Thornbush was voted least likely to succeed his senior year in High School. Billy Ryan, the school bully, stole Claude’s cookies everyday at the far table in the corner where the marching band hung out. Billy convinced his classmates, by threat of physical harm, that Claude should be the goat of the senior class. That singular moment was a watershed event in his life. Claude used the criticisms to turn himself into a “shuttlecock of success” as he puts it. After a stint at the local Phoenix College, Claude struck out on his own to join the giants of industry, but wound up waiting tables at Giants, a burger chain in New York. Claude has parlayed this experience to become perhaps the least feared Hedge Fund manager in New York City, with dreams of becoming the most feared. He integrates adolescent humiliation into everything he does, and believes that if you aren’t going full tilt, pedal to the motherf&^%$*@ metal, you aren’t going. His management style is based upon the learnings of Peter F. Drucker, along with Master Chung, who taught Claude the powers of the Tiger. Claude’s favorite vacation destination is Daytona Beach, Florida.

Skip Murphy (Secretary of State)

Skip Murphy’s mother complained often during his upbringing that he liked to play with tools. He had a fascination with screwdrivers, and a love affair with hammers and nails. He wasn’t that off as a child, but he wasn’t exactly normal. His collection of screwdrivers bested only the most accomplished carpenters in the Queens neighborhood in which he grew up. On warm summer nights, Skip would fall asleep with keys, drill bits, and screws in his butt. This unusual interest made his transition from High School to Shooter’s Bowling Alley seamless. At Shooter’s, Skip dated Lateisha, ten years his senior and the daughter of the owner. This led to a promotion late in 2002 to the position of “head lane waxer and handyman.” His snow-balling career continued, as he was given more responsibility as the years passed: greasing creases, misting shoes, and polishing off balls. And then he found Claude Thornbush and everything changed. Claude hired him as his “yes” man. And hath he remaineth thateth. Skip’s greatest asset to the Fund is his genial attitude towards investing, his ability to decipher what love is, actually, and his blue collar worksmanship. He can just as easily fix a faucet as he can try and figure out what that graph means. Skip’s most valuable possession is a triple thromboid rail sledge, framed above his bed.

Dutch Alison (President)

Dutch Alison is the only member of Claude S. Dutchy LLC to have graduated from an accredited college with a degree in General Studies. His favorite general was Brutus, though no one knows why. At an early age, Dutch took a liking to quotations. Perhaps the simplicity and directness of “et tu Brutus” held his imagination and made him search for simplicity and directness in his own life. Dutch was the third string quarterback on his helpless Dorchester High Sharks football team. He was a poor student at best, and oftentimes skipped class and hung out with chicks, smoking doobies in the parking lot as class raged on. But Dutch got his shit enough together to hit the books at famed SUNY New Palz, where he almost thought about double majoring for a time (he would have majored in Time had there been such a distinction) Dutch met Claude at a NASCAR rally in the Poconos. They exchanged numbers, but Claude wouldn’t stop calling him, so he agreed to be his friend. Dutch Alison brings mediocre problem solving and mid-level energy levels to everything he does at the Hedge Fund, and someday hopes to replace Claude as the CEO of the Claude S. Dutchy, LLC Partners. Most people think Dutch is stoned or “checked out,” something but he would like to put to rest. His favorite dish is “Turkey ala King,” a cream and mushroom based gravy. He likes to sit and listen to the various, multiform, and underappreciated musical genres on the subway.

Phillipe Rochambeau (Intern)

The surroundings of Phillipe Rochambeau’s early life are shrouded in a cashmere pashmina. We do know one thing. Phillipe landed at Claude S. Dutchy, LLC Partners from the outskirts of Paris on an au pair visa. Rumour has it that Claude hired a placement service to bring the hedge fund an intern “without papers,” as Claude specifically wanted some European flavors to mix with the American nucleus of Claude S. Dutchy, LLC. What has been gleaned from conversations is that Phillipe was a boy toy revered for his sense of street style on the Champs Elysees, but has since converted to the monastic life and competitive masculine ethos of an investment banker. Phillipe has exhibited a nose for digging up investment opportunities. His main job, and energetic thrust, however, remains running errands and answering the phone.